Daniel and Nathalie

What happened on the date

Sometimes to work out what happened on a date, all you need to do is look at the photo. I don’t know whether the shoot happens afterward, or the photographers gets them to do a variety of poses which include “mardy” and “when will this hell end?”, but sometimes the main image sums everything up perfectly. Anyway, to business:

If you were to take Daniel’s comments in isolation, you’d be forgiven for thinking that he is flinging some serious shade his date’s way. The pair went to Lanes of London, which is an incredibly posh place you would take your granny for afternoon tea. Nathalie – no word on whether she’s French or just has parents who fancied making life difficult for her at school – ate chips with her hands. In Mayfair. So subversive. Either way, he avoided “impeccable”, so full marks to Daniel.

Nathalie’s dreary answer of “perfect” is a crushing disappointment, made all the more bland when compared with her fantastic awkward moments answer. I’m not sure how or why they got around to talking about biological clocks on a first date in a snootsville restaurant in one of the richest parts of London, but you can practically feel Daniel’s panic fizz off the page. Poor Nathalie was so exhausted from talking her date down from the ceiling that she forgot what his table manners were even like.

While essentially they got on, some marvellous buzzwords like “opinionated”, “Hollyoaks”, “sarcastic” suggest Daniel felt Nathalie wasn’t for him. 

Nathalie’s zinger at the end pretty much confirms it. When asked “Would you meet again?”, she throws back: “By accident”. Ouch.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian

Harry and Rosey

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What happened on the date

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An exciting deviation from the norm in an attempt to add content to the worst question of the entire column. Effort appreciated, but the use of “textbook” makes me feel a bit ill.

And sharing food is a prelude to sex and they didn’t actually do that – so no. Unless your hands are planning to wander far and wide, keep them off your date’s plate.

Especially with cheese, the least sexy food since polenta.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian

Joe and Adam

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What happened on the date

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A rare consecutive same-sex date sees the participants attempt diplomacy in what was clearly a glorified worm-eating contest.

Take a tip from these guys: when eating ramen and it goes horribly wrong – as this evidently did – just agree on what you’re going to say before it goes in a national newspaper.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian

Kaush and Mark

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What happened on the date

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Ooh, a gay date. Yay. They usually have a little bit of vinegar amid the usual plaudits. Kaush (top answer) actually tries to fling some subtle shade Mark’s way (“Neither seemed to mind” = “I noticed. I minded.”) but Mark rescues the date by answering with the only true answer. Impeccable.

Photograph: Frantzesco Kangaris; Linda Nylind, both for the Guardian