Kimberley and Javier

Plinky plonky music? Check. Shaky video of two drongoes trading awk-bantz in dimly lit wankstation in central London? Check. Yes, Watch Me Date is back.

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This week, it’s Javier, a 30-year -old web designer (but of course!) and 26-year-old actress and hat-wearer Kimberley.

Watch along if you like. I had to.

When you say “how are you?” to someone, you should let them answer and then move on, not follow it with an “all right?” because it is the SAME question. Minus one point.

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Javier: “I don’t eat anything from the sea.” Shut up. What a stupid, false, pretentious thing to say. Even if this is true, don’t say it on a date.

“I don’t really like seafood” is fine. “I don’t eat anything from the sea” is an unnecessary statement of high drama that might get you a place on Big Brother, but will not, by any stretch of the imagination, get you fucked.

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Kimberley can’t use chopsticks. Neither can I, and I’m too old to learn. Just ask for a fork. Eventually, Javier can take no more of Kimberley stabbing at her grub like a park-keeper on a trash walk, and asks someone for a fork.

Javier: “We talked a lot about the theatre, musical theatre, and what she liked. And not a lot else, to be honest.” Fucking actors.

“I’d say he got a pretty decent picture of who I am,” says Kimberley, after the video shows her wanking on and on and on and on about, well, herself.

Javier shares some Tinder stories, which is all very interesting except oh no hang on it isn’t at all because you can’t walk down the street without someone stopping you to tell you a Tinder LOL but yeah haha it’s really funny and yes you do look like a total hero in that one. Ledge.

These two will mark each other a six, I just know it. The gentleman’s zero.

Javier marks Kimberley a six.

Kimberley: “Five feels a bit mean. Six.”

What did I tell you?

In the closing VT, our too-cool-for-school duo give it a few light shrugs and knowing smirks and say they don’t want to see each other again.

What a coincidence! I don’t want to see them again either! Flush.

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