Joe and Adam

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What happened on the date

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A rare consecutive same-sex date sees the participants attempt diplomacy in what was clearly a glorified worm-eating contest.

Take a tip from these guys: when eating ramen and it goes horribly wrong – as this evidently did – just agree on what you’re going to say before it goes in a national newspaper.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian

Kaush and Mark

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What happened on the date

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Ooh, a gay date. Yay. They usually have a little bit of vinegar amid the usual plaudits. Kaush (top answer) actually tries to fling some subtle shade Mark’s way (“Neither seemed to mind” = “I noticed. I minded.”) but Mark rescues the date by answering with the only true answer. Impeccable.

Photograph: Frantzesco Kangaris; Linda Nylind, both for the Guardian

Josh and Alexandra

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What happened on the date

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You wouldn’t think somebody with as much hair going on as Josh would be so particular, would you? But Alexandra’s napkin faux-pas was unforgivable. Alexandra got her own back, however, by arranging to meet Josh again but, I assume, not turning up.

Photograph: James Drew Turner for the Guardian 

Ciara and Andrew

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What happened on the date

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“Bad words.” These are grown-ups. They don’t look the types to throw out loads of C-words over the starters, so I’m guessing “pilly, woo, bum” was as bad as it got. If you can’t curse or drop a few F-bombs on a first date, how are you going to lead up to farting in bed when you’re married?!

As for dessert-sharing – that’s not a first date thing, Andrew. You messed up. But at least he didn’t say “impeccable”.

Photographs: Murdo Macleod for the Guardian

Sam and Rebecca

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What happened on the date

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I include Sam’s answer to the awkward moments question here because it shows the “impeccable” stock reply up for what it really is. props to Rebecca for very likely early on seeing this date was going to be a disaster and decided to at least make it memorable. Pro-tip: Carry a picture of your puke with you wherever you go – just in case.

And, yes, Rebecca sounds a “bit much” but we’ve all been there – nerves on a date makes you do the strangest things.

Photograph: Frantzesco Kangaris; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian

Victoria and Sam

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What happened on the date

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Always tricky going on a first date with someone who doesn’t drink. The best way to handle it is almost certainly not drink a bottle of champagne. If you read between the lines, though, it sounds like Sam needed it. 

Poor Sam must have been so legless, he can’t remember what Victoria’s table manners were like, so he went for the traditional “impeccable”. Except he probably slurred it so it sounded more like “perble”.

Paul and Isabel

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What happened on the date

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This was almost a disaster – a double-impeccable. Thankfully, Paul (who is 43!!!) saves the day by letting us know Isabel (who is 41!!!) threw him a few burns. Look, they got on great and either use amazing moisturiser or have the best lighting wherever they go so let’s wish them well and overlook Isabel’s mega-disappointing “impeccable”.

Photograph: Sarah Lee; James Drew Turner, both for the Guardian

A weekly roast of the splendid, stupid or sexless things said by participants in the Guardian Blind Date column.

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